Excerpt from My God and Me: Listening, Learning and Growing on My Journey (Jones, 2009)
Does your word choice represent what you really want? Do your actions speak to what you need? Do the people you push away really mean nothing at all, or are you fighting because they matter too much?
Is this a negotiation? Or something that’ll only work on your terms, in your time? With rules only you know about?
What’s going on? What about me? What about you? Why isn’t there an us? Am I being hyper-sensitive or too obtuse? I thought I had it, but I really don’t get it. Maybe it’s hormones. Maybe it’s frustration or exhaustion. Most likely it’s a combination of everything that represents you and me.
Is this communication really fulfilling to you? Satisfying? Does the avoidance really work for you? I would much rather talk to you face to face. With your arms wrapped around me – I love the way that feels – with your nose nudging mine as your words make their way into my listening heart. I would much rather listen to your touch and read your face. I want to be much more than an influence; I want to be your helper and supporter.
What’s so scary about that? And why are you so willing to gamble this away?
If we weren’t connected, I would believe every no-contact message you send. But it’s not my depression trying to drown me. It’s not my sadness bringing me to tears. It’s yours. Light shined on my darkness long ago. If I must hurt with you, why won’t you let me help you work through it?
Who’s to say anything about the future? Yet we have power over the direction we take today. Making no decision is still a choice you’re responsible for. Silence is a response. Even if I choose to ignore it for a while, I may one day accept it as a final reply.
I appreciate and respect inner struggle – I recommend it for character building. But, all I’m saying is: Invite me in.
Meditation Verse: 1 Peter 3:8-9
Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous;not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing.